Okay, I couldn’t resist. I was going to tell you last week, but secrets like this are really hard not to share. It turns out that I had a rich uncle in Nigeria who had been a political prisoner. Prior to his execution he hid $US40 million in a suspense account with a Swiss bank. I am his only living relative and all I have to do is deposit a transit draft to access the funds.
By coincidence on the same day, I won $1.3 billion dollars in an international lottery. This is really useful as the paltry one million dollar prizes that I used to get just don’t go as far as they used to. I sent off a reply expressing my thanks, especially as I don’t remember entering any international prize draws. But with so much email traffic it is hardly surprising, and the administrators must have had the same problem with all those prize entries, as they didn’t even get my name right.
I hope that making this news public won’t breach the strict confidentiality requirements associated with collecting my massive prize, which is being held in a Finance and Security House. As the insurance is in my name, I need to cover the premium costs, however when my transfer is complete I have the opportunity to hold these funds in trust earning 22.5% interest per annum.
Now as you probably know, I’m a smart businessman, so I’ve taken out additional credit through my unsolicited bank verification offer. I’m paying 18.5% per annum on credit, but with my 22.5% earnings in interest, I’m trading the margin on a new double futures stock start up index that came to me in the form of a tip-off from an anonymous investor.
Within minutes of trading my stocks, I was touched by the honesty of the broker. It turns out that he erroneously charged my credit card $257.28 for a legal writ. All I had to do was send him my credit card number and the expiration date, and he would reverse the transaction. Not to mention the additional benefit of clearing my existing credit card debt by supplanting it with a new checkdigit algorithm that is completely registration free.
With all my newfound wealth, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to spend the money, but the answer was sitting right before me when I discovered some new opportunities for cosmetic surgery. I never realised the full extent of my anatomical defects until I read the “Cruise the World Hospital” bulletin by Dr Jay Arthur Rosen MD.
Looking good is important, especially as I will soon need to attend a photoshoot in academic regalia for my new Doctorate in Business Administration with a double major in Juridicial Science. I purchased this from an agency in New Mexico. The only problem was that I couldn’t see a record of my qualification when I secretly accessed my FBI file from the United States Government, a service that was recommended by my new Spycam browser based security application.
It’s a wonderful thing, now that I will never be lonely again. With my new lucky pendant, dating agency free login, complimentary music CD collection, and database of more than 4 million email addresses, I will have plenty of opportunities to meet new and exciting people.
Finally, I will need to spend some of my winnings to upgrade my computer, as the amount of email I receive since I claimed my lottery prize has grown to several thousand messages an hour. It’s hard to read through them all, but lady luck must be on my side, because today I noticed that I’m really on a winning roll. Except for that message I just received from a charity requesting funds to support poverty stricken Jewish families. The way it was worded really pulled at my heartstrings, but then I realised it was obviously one of those fake spam messages that get sent to annoy people. So I deleted it, and started working on my registration to invest in a ground breaking intergalactic DNA medical research program instead.
If you would like to find out more, just send a copy of your email address to me.