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The Covid Haggadah

Each year I draft satirical prose for chaggim.  Perth was thrust into lockdown just before Pesach 5780 although the corona virus had already caused many other places to impose isolation. In the midst of the unknown I wrote this Covid haggadah spoof which went viral to many parts of the world:

Coronavirus Haggadah

Kadesh – Time for the first of four cups of cough syrup.  Everyone takes a rv’iit (130.7 ml, or 150 ml if you follow Dr Chazon Ish).  Lean to the left, unless you are sitting next to Aunty Doris who has just returned from Bali, in which case you should lean to the right.

Urchatz – the Baal Haseder washes his hands with hand sanitizer.

Karpas – normally we use horseradish, but this year’s supply is still on a ship stranded in Singapore, so we use potato instead.  To remember the bitter times of slavery, through to our contemporary bitter times of not being able buy bottled water.

Maggid – the baal Haseder puts on a kittel and facemask. 

“All who are hungry and not quarantined, let them come eat”

Why is this night different from all other nights?  On all other nights we are afflicted only once, but tonight we are afflicted twice.

There were four sons.  The wise one stocked enough toilet paper to get by for a week or two.  The wicked one hoarded the entire shops supply and has an entire storeroom full.  The simple one ran out after two days.  The one who didn’t know how to ask resorted to paper towels instead.

We cried out to Hashem who saw our burden and our affliction.  Rabbi Eliezer said the Coronavirus inflicted on the Egyptians started as equal to four. Therefore, we conclude that Egypt were struck by 40 cases, and now it is 200. 

There were ten plagues:  coughing, hoarding, fake news, travel bans, stock market crash, supermarket stampedes, shutting down schools, no toilet paper, cancelled events, death of the first born. 

Rabbi Judah coined the acronym COVID-19.

Had we not been to China, Dayenu

If Costco had not sold out of tissues, Dayenu

If my stockbroker had not mysteriously disappeared, Dayenu

If we could now only choose to fly El Al, Dayenu

If Lemsip was kosher for Pesach, Dayenu

If it was only the meme’s that were viral, Dayenu

Moitze Matzah:  A small dvar Torah.  Why is it called Coronavirus?  Why not Heinekenvirus, Steinlargervirus, or Goldstarvirus?  Because the gematria of Corona is 358, which is the same as the Moshiach who will come to redeem the world on the 8th day of Pesach.  People, it’s written in the Torah Code.  Stop eating Traifus! 

Maror – Fresh Horseradish may have the necessary properties to kill the Coronavirus.

Korech – In the days before the Coronavirus Hillel used to eat a laffa shwarma on Seder night.  To remember the splendour of this we take two pieces of matza, dip them in codliver oil and shake them off, combine them with two Panadol tablets and bind them together with Vicks vaporub.

Shulchan Aruch – Maybe try and give them some chicken soup?  Bubbe says that will cure anything.

Tzafon – As the kids search for the Afikomen, make sure they don’t accidently stumble on your stash of stored Corona beer that you sold to the Rabbi.  Negotiate the trade of the found piece of matzah with the inheritance of your near worthless Government bond certificates.  

Barech – Open the door for Elijah, but he is in self-isolation.  Read together; “Pour out your wrath upon the land of China that created this mess in the first place.  Smite them with a shortage of facemasks and annihilate their cheap low-grade manufacturing.”

Hallel – sing songs of praise that the Corona Virus should Passover our homes.

Nirtzah – that concludes the Seder.  No, unfortunately there is no toilet paper.  Sorry.

The Holy One, blessed is He, came and overpowered the angel of death, who took out the pandemic slaughterer, who smote the cruiseship captain, who used up the wifi, that supported self- isolation, that stopped the panic, that gripped the supermarket, and used up my last roll of scented 3-ply toilet paper that my father bought for two zuzim.  Chad Gadya.

Next Year in Jerusalem.  Because we are not seeking to take a cruise.

Conclude with the singing of Shir haCovid

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